Item 1: Sounds like a Robot.
This is a diamond argument to kick off proceedings. Stephen Hawking without any shadow of a doubt sounds exactly like a robot! He has apparently been offered more human-like voices and turned them down on the pretty flimsy grounds that he feels his current voice is more expressive?
Yeah Stevo, well expressive...
... expressive like a vacuum cleaner!
Let's add robot ears to the list then.
Item 2: Wheels.
Stairs defeat robots and Stephen Hawkings in equal measure.
With his massive intelligence he could probably come up with an exo-skeleton or awesome manga style mech suit design in the time it takes most of us to figure out what kind of sandwich is for lunch, so why hasn't he? He's a robot sympathiser that's why! Next!
Item 3: A bit clever.
Actually quite a lot more than a bit clever! Steve has written more than one book with his arms quite literally tied behind his back, well OK, maybe down by his sides but still he didn't use his actual hands in any way. It was probably like some kind of magical scene from Fantasia with pens and things flying around the room, all accomplished merely with the power of his mind. If that doesn't impress you then consider for a moment that the books summed up pretty much everything that's happened in the universe ever and maybe you're starting to appreciate the sheer mental twatting that this guy could give you in a game of Scrabble....
...he'd put you in a wheelchair!
Item 4: CH, CBE, FRS, FRSA,
That's a lot of letters to have after your name isn't it? I mean what else can you think of that has letters like that after their name? Here's a clue....
Actually so do cats. Obviously I'm not suggesting he's a cat though, that would be ridiculous. He doesn't even look like one.
Item 5: 50% metal (at least)
He's hardly trying to hide it is he? if he isn't a robot yet then he's certainly a top contender for cyborg of the year, which may not be an actual competition or award just at the moment but perhaps we should start one? What do you think? Cool, cool. So let's start with some nominations... Stephen Hawking? OK!
Hmm, seems like a pretty airtight case. Let's be fair though and give the defense a chance to respond.
Items for the defense.
Item 1: He wants to save the humans.
He's actually sat in front of congregations of some of the worlds most powerful people and told them to sort their shit out. It's not good enough all this running about committing war on each other and we really ought to spend less cash on rockets aimed at each others face and more on ones aimed at outer-space. He's actually worked out what our incredible star rocket would cost and all he wants is about 0.001% or world GDP, about what we spend on punching children or something if I remember correctly... something we can do without anyway.
Who's making this rocket though? I think it's Steve and his mates... but since all of his mates are probably robots then I'm not so sure we should trust him. It's probably all just a cunning ruse to get us to pay for his giant robot balls or something.
Item 2: I am bored so there is no item 2
No item 2?
Exactly!
The Verdict:
GUILTY!
Disclaimer: Obviously this is all bullshit stuff, not what I (or any sane person) would actually think, so let's all celebrate the fact that Steve is really awesome and try not to throw cans of oil at him in the street as he careens past in his giant mech suit.
We love you Steve... please save us all!
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